One + 1 = Thr3e

This is the very first feature update... Brought to you by Adam Mac:

As you are all probably aware. I would class myself as a bloody good bitch. This has come from the many years of working in the theatre, dealing with little pieces of shits, and well, just being myself. Now you may think that a guy cannot be a bitch, but they can, and they can sometimes be the best type. In this post, I analyze the different types of bitches, from movies, television, and literature... Take the best elements and join them together, to make a MEGA bitch.

Now there are your classic bitches that everyone loves to hate, but nearly all of them have had some flaw, which is usually a strong point of another bitch. This is what gave me the thought on creating a mega-bitch, by taking those strong points and putting them together. But to do this, I would have to find a lot of materials. So, yours truly, hit the movies, books and television, in search of some of our greatest bitches. Instead of structuring this post in terms of movies etc. I'm going to analyze the different types of bitches, and the qualities and attributes and tell you who possessed these.

The rich bitch, daddy's little girl etc. who owns everything in the world, and if she doesn't own it, she could easily buy it with daddy's credit card. She lives in the big house, has a room that is probably the size of my house, and is usually also the toast of the school. She is the one who is most likely to become the Homecoming Queen, and be attached to the token jock. Now this may sound totally American, but I'm looking at this from the movie point of view, and there hasn't been a lot of Australian movies on the topic, I can only think of Looking For Alibrandi. Anyway, classic examples of these bitches are the main bitch in Mean Girls, Carly from Looking for Alibrandi, the red headed chick in Clueless, the tv series, etc. The most powerful thing that this type of bitch has got is money, which in turn buys her power. But the things she is lacking is a sense of normal, which can hit hard and affect the quality of her bitching power, when she loses that money.

The bitch with the mouth, is one of the most powerful bitches, as she can stand up for what she wants, and doesn't give a shit about what people think around her. Her goal is to get what she wants and she is not scared to challenge anyone who gets in her way. Her ability to kick arse verbally, destroys her challengers, by turning them into a blubbery mess. This is the type of bitch who has no friends, as she will usually turn on them. Her strength is that she can get what she wants, but she will have no-one to share the glory with. The best example of this type of bitch is Big Red, from Bring It On. Best quote to describe her "...I'm still Big Red!". This may have no meaning by itself, but the fact that she pushes someone out of the way and stills the limelight is.

The backstabbing bitch. This is the cunning and devious one. She plans her attacks all the through, and like the bitch with the mouth, she doesn't care who she takes out. This is the type of bitch who has plenty of friends, but that could change as soon as they find out what she is really like. She gets the goss on her friends, and if one of them back-fires or if she wants to have a bit of fun, she turns on them. The hand with the knife goes up and stabs her friends in the back, when they have no chance to defend themselves. Now, it may not always be the bitch putting in the knife, but she has the ability to manipulate others and make them do the dirty work. This is usually done by some form of blackmail. This bitch knows that she is in control of any situation, and if she isn't she can easily detract attention from herself, by sacrificing one of her friends. One of the best bitches at this is the legendly Richard Hatch, Survivor. Who was a massive backstabber, but he did it to get to his million dollars.

The bitch who doesn't know she is a bitch. Now this one is a tricky one. This type of person is incapable of seeing that they are a bitch, and will not accept the fact that they are one. She hurts her friends without knowing it, and well basically there is nothing good about this type of bitch. She would quickly lose all of her friends and be left alone, for something she isn't’t aware is going on. The way that this bitch would lose he friends is that she might accidentally let things slip, which she has been told in secret. The can sometimes be the best type of bitch, but it is a dangerous one to master. For this type of bitch to succeeded she needs to wake up and smell the roses, and realize what a bitch she is. Sometimes, the best bitch is one that knows they are one.

The drunk bitch. This bitch only comes out when one has had a tad bit too many to drink. The best thing about this bitch is that because she doesn't vent her bitchiness regularly, when she is drunk, it comes out all at once, creating a massive explosion of bitchy comments that she has bottled up for awhile! Now if this type of person bitched during the day, she wouldn't need the massive outbursts and would save a lot of friends. Sometimes, bitching in moderation is a good thing.

The army of skanks, possibly the best description for the group of wannabe bitches. Now this is taken out of Mean Girls, and it described the group of people who surrounded the bitches, in other terms, bitch groupies. This are the type of people that can either make or break a bitch, depending on the type of bitch that they have around them! This little posse tries in vain to become the central bitch, and if the middle bitch is not aware of her "friends" they could come back and bite them on the arse! Like in Mean Girls, where when they cracked the army of skanks, the central bitch was taken down by her own kind. The skanks constant need to become the central bitch is their biggest issue, because they start to fight one another, which can lead to nasty public displays, which aren't good for any respectable bitch.

The Innocent looking bitch. This is a dangerous combination. A sweet profile with a rotten core. This bitch has the ability to disguise herself as a total sweetheart, and confuse others into her false identity. She is able to bitch, but then withdraw into her secret disguise, leaving none the wiser. And when people discover her secret, they aren't able to prove anything, because no-one will believe them. The classic example is Professor Umbridge, and Reverend Lovejoy's daughter. It helps this bitch if they come from a respectable background and have a good upbringing.

The Mega-Bitch! The top of the list. This one is a combination of all the above. She is able to lie, backstab and destroy reputations in a single smile. Her ability to think of quick returns leaves her challenges dead in their tracks before they can begin! She aligns herself with a group of friends who are unable to see the truth, and will risk their lives to save their reps, who can be seen with a mega-bitch! Walking down the corridor of her school, people make way, and other bitches sit there and admire her work! She has the mouth and determination to do anything, and will get anything she wants. She comes from a rich upbringing, owning anything ever made. She sets the trends at school! She walks with style. The girls want to be her, and the guys want to have her. She is a bitch and she knows it!

As you can see there are many different types of bitches, not so straightforward after all. Which one are you? I'd love to hear your comments!

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Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.