I turned 23. No idea what to say about it really. Haven't really organised anything and don't really feel the need to anymore. Went out with some of the girls on the Thursday. Went out fagging on Saturday night, which I was really looking forward to doing. Thankfully some people turned up that I knew, otherwise that could have been pretty depressing.
Well now I just got to wait for next year.
I need to change my outlook. I've been thinking very negatively lately, and need to change that around. Although its a little easier to do than say. And with all the stuff thats been happening lately, I feel like I'm just getting engulfed in it.
Had a couple of days off work so its been good just to relax and do nothing at home. Although I really need to get some stuff organised because I'm sick of having done nothing to show for my day.
So many things to talk about, but I don't think that I can yet. Maybe one day soon.
Everyone has to make some pretty big decisions in their life. These reflect on the type of person that we are, and where we want to go in life. Have you ever felt like everything was going fine, and then all of a sudden it all becomes fuzzy? You lose track of that clear path that you were traveling on, and feel like you are just walking through thick fog.
I thought that all the choices that I've made up until now were quite good. I thought my path, albeit a bit long, was clear. I knew what I wanted to know, and I thought I was on the track to get there. Now its feels like the mother of all fog has decided to just follow me around all day and rain on my parade.
I just wish that I could start all over again. Go back in time and change a couple of decisions that I made. Why can't we just have the option of starting again? Starting afresh. I think all the consequences from my choices are just hitting me now, rather than being affected by them when they happened. Like they've all snowballed together and have decided to hit me now.
Sadly I feel like I'm going nowhere, that the fog is just growing darker and darker, and there is no calm blue sky on the horizon.
Cold hearted.
Emotionally retarded.
Relationship-phobe.
Fucked in the head.
Incapable of feelings.
Anti-romantic.
Single and lonely forever.
Detached.
Heartbreaker.
Headfucker.
Guarded.
Have I forgotten anything?
By the way, these are just ways I've been described in the last couple of months.
Long absence. Been working like crazy. Ummm also started writing. I know its not my thing, but had an idea come into my head, and the only way to clear it is to type it or write it out. Still in the beginning stages, but kinda excited on the way things are panning out.
Work has kinda taken out a lot out of me. But I'm still loving every bit of it. Couldn't be more excited, and actually enjoy going to work everyday. The people are awesome, and yeah.
This week has been pretty crappy, probably one of the worst weeks I've had this year. It just seems that the bad news just doesn't stop coming. Well fingers crossed that it does, otherwise I don't know what I'd do.
As if a good thing ever could make up for all the pain
There'll be no last chance, I promise to never mess it up again
Just a sweet pain of watching your back as you walk
As I watching you walk away
And now you're gone, there's like an echo in my head
And I remember every word you said
Slight addiction is happening at the moment. Addicted to his writing. Can't seem to get enough of it. The wit, humour and social commentary is awe inspiring.
I'd already had a taste of it, but it didn't really grab me like it has now. To the point where I finish one book, that same day another is purchased. And I'm not reading them slow or anything. Becoming one slightly expensive habit. Fortunately, he doesn't have that many books.
Talking about Ben Elton. Dead Famous is hilarious and one of the best whodunits out there! And it mixed my two loves; Big Brother and a mystery thriller. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.
Driving home on Wednesday night after work was just like a normal drive home. I was just about to pull onto the Western Ring Road, had my tunes pumping - I think it was Janet Jackson Rock With U - and heard this weird sound coming from behind me. I turned back, thinking that it was a truck that was riding my arse, like they always do on the roads, but I was wrong.
The sound got louder, and I started to lose control of the steering, so I did what any sensible driver would do, kept driving. Now honestly if you believe that I'm very disappointed at your current views of me! The first thing I did was pull over. Switched on my hazards, and put Janet on pause. Got out of my car, and noticed that my back tyre was smoking, not a good sign. It had blown, so I wasn't a happy chappy.
I then had to sort through my boot to get my spare out, and the jack thing. After a couple of frantic phone calls to the folks, getting a quick refresher in tyre changing, I was right. Had a little trouble loosing the bolts, but thats mainly because I'm weak and have little upper body strength. But after a while, and some helpful hints from mum, it was done.
Now I would have been fine with changing the tyre under normal circumstances, but no, someone out there obviously hates me. It was pouring down, trucks were flying past spraying water all over me, and I was kneeling on the side of a highway. I was also in my adorable work uniform, so the first thing I did was change out of that, seeing I didn't want it to get permanent black marks on it. So I was standing in the rain for about 15 minutes, in a bright yellow singlet and black pants. At least people would have been able to see me. I later found a shirt in my car, and quickly put that on, so I wasn't going to die of pneumonia.
It also crossed my mind what would happen if someone had of pulled over to help. Would my knight in shining armor come to my rescue? Fix my car and then whisk me away in his car to his mansion and then go on a tour around the world in his private yet. Clearly that didn't happen, but a boy can still dream. I wouldn't if someone had of pulled over, would I have politely asked them to leave as I was right, even though clearly for the first fifteen minutes, I looked like a total goose trying to loosen the bolts. I still think I would have asked them to leave.
I think that changing the tyre was my way of proving to myself, that I was actual capable to doing something somewhat 'manly' by myself. So I'm glad I managed to accomplish my goal, even though it took a little bit longer than expected, but still it was raining and I was soaking wet, so give me some credit.
Chocolate is great. Chocolate is evil. I have many a great memories of chocolate, but I also have many bad memories about chocolate. With Easter just comes even more chocolate than you can imagine. My worst experience with chocolate probably came a couple of weeks ago though.
I had had a pretty big night out. It was my first night out in a while, and I had a bit to drink. I was my usual happy self. I had been dancing like a knob on stage, stumbling around the club looking for the people that I had rocked up with. A typical drunken adammac night.
When I got home, I thought that the best thing that I could do was get some chocolate and eat it before I fell asleep. Boy was I wrong.
I grabbed five chomp bars, my eyes were clearly bigger than my stomach. Went upstairs and jumped into bed. Only to fall asleep before even eating the first one. Now all of them were out of the wrappers as we currently have a 5 kilo bag of them at our house. Don't ask why, its better not to know...
As you can imagine, my body heat mixed with the heat of my room, made the chocolate melt. When I woke up in the morning, I was covered in chocolate as was my bedspread. Now I'm not usually one to complain about being covered in chocolate, but only when there is someone else there to lick it off. Sadly there was no one else here.
All that was there was my seedy hungover, waking up to find a mysterious brown substance all over my body and my sheets. You an only imagine the first thing I thought.
I'm not a victim of clichés
I don't believe in soul mates
Happy endings only one
I met you and all that changed
I had a taste and you're still sitting on the tip of my tongue
You were mine
Somewhere in time
I'll look for you first
In my next life
There's always one that gets away
The one that sneaks up on you that slips away
In a closed off corner of my heart
I'll always see your face
The one that got away
... are sometimes the only way to show emotion
Check out his account and see for yourself. He has done some for other artists as well!
Enjoy.
I'm sure that I've talked about how I've wanted to change the typical signals that drivers use on here, but I can't remember which post it was on. But there is really no need to try and do that anymore, seeing that no one uses signals anymore.
I see it as only polite to signal thanks when someone lets you merge into their lane. A simple acknowledgment would be nice. Just a little thing to say thanks. That never happens anymore, it seems the only signals that people know how to make, are the 'what-the-hell-are-you-doing' arm lifty up thing, and the traditional bird.
Its just a little thing that irritates me on my drive to work, so if you are on the road don't forget to signal a little sign of thanks, it will brighten up that persons day.
I used to think that I wasn't really a dreamer. I've always heard that its people with a huge imagination that always dream. I think in part that is true, but majority of dreams are based on something that has happened and putting a slight twist on it. When I was younger, I had such a great imagination, I could enter a whole other world instantly, and jump backwards and forwards. I remember stories that I would write about, and things that I would do which would help prepare to dream that night.
My imagination then helped me escape from everything. Not that there was really anything I needed to escape from. I think moving schools so early into prep made me feel isolated. I remember at the new school, when we were sitting on the floor, I would make a pretend moat around myself. Anyway, enough about my insecurities of a child, this post was supposed to be about my dreams.
It's pretty weird with the dreams I've had lately. They've all felt so real. When I've tried to recall them, I'm been able to do with ease. The freakiest dream I've had was where I got killed.
Like I said before, it all felt like it was real. Mainly because everything in this dream was real. It was my car that I was in. I had my current phone, my mum names was stored as it is now*. I recognised the car park as the one at highpoint. That could be the only thing that doesn't make it real. Seeing that I don't work at highpoint. But everything else was completely accurate.
I wonder what the next couple of nights will bring.
*Private joke between me and mum.
For starters, the actors are usually always bad, the story lines are worse, and the overall quality of them suck. They always consist of a full on sex scene, which I only think perpetuates the fact that with gay guys the only thing they really want is sex, and are incapable of having a serious relationship. And the L word is usually said at the beginning of the relationship.
It makes me think. Why do gay relationships always start off so fast that they are practically married after a week, and why is sex such a major impact on them? You rarely see straight love stories, where the couple have had sex the first night, and then the next day they are planning to move in together, and are taking one another to meet the parents. Are they only portraying gay relationships like this because thats the way they really are?
Every relationship, straight or gay, has the honeymoon period at the start. Everything is perfect, you love the other person so much, and then after a while you just get used to it. If its the right person than everything that seems to fall into place, if not then you start to find things wrong with them. Then those things are just magnified until you can't do it anymore and you leave. Well I think thats what happens to me.
Maybe I'm just annoyed that even movies feel the need to make sure that a gay love story and a straight love story be completely different. Shouldn't they be portrayed the same, or am I living in some sort of fantasy world, distancing myself from the reality of what a gay relationship really is.
Maybe thats why I'm still single, I'm waiting for a love story to happen like 'Serendipity', but maybe that only happens to straight people.
Pictures from my sister's 21st.
Ignore the date on same, they are from my sister's camera, which for some reason thought we were in 2005, but we really were in the 80s :P
Today has been spent preparing for the party that is going to happen tonight. Over 5 hours of non-stop 80s music is lined up, with heaps of alcohol and food. So it should be a fun night. Now just counting down the hours till I can start drinking. Whats a respectable time to start consuming shit loads of booze?
Work has been pretty interesting, I move to a new store on Friday, completely brand new, being built as we speak, and in three months if all goes to plan, then I'll be moving up the retail ladder. Very exciting indeed. I do have to drive a bit, and I'm gonna miss the girls I'm working with at the moment, but I need to make some sacrifices if I wanna move up.
Had a couple of more sleepless nights, this time over something different, but as usual I'm not ready to talk about that stuff on here.
Anyway, I gotta go...
Hmmm... Midday can't be too early :P
Me in prep. I had just been run over by a group of kids on bicycles. I had totally forget about it until I saw the photo..jpg)
I've shown a couple of people this photo, and they can't believe how much I've changed. I don't think I've changed that much. Well apart from the fact that I'm older. Still, whenever I look in the mirror, I still don't see an adult staring back at me, but still some young kid. Makes me wonder if people perceive me like that too?
Sad thing is, when I look at this photo, it makes me only wanna go back to being this young kid again, and to not have to worry about anything, except for a group of kids on bikes.
A thing in the past is slowly starting to catch up with me. Well not that much in the past, but still last year was a little while ago.
Don't you hate it, when you realize too late that you had something really good, and no matter how hard you try to get it back you can't? I had something really good. Perhaps even too good, and I took it for granted. Its gone now, and it wasn't until recently that I've actually started missing it. I think its because I'm being faced with a situation which could potentially replace it.
Problem is, I don't think I can replace it. I don't really wanna lose those memories that I have, and don't think that I could even have better ones. It just sucks. Maybe I'm letting it get to my head just a little bit too much, but when you've had such strong feelings, its kinda hard to let them go. I can't turn them off like they are some sort of light switch.
So now I'm lost. I think I need to talk to people for help in trying to figure out what to do next. Only problem is, that if I open up to people and tell them what I think, they usually tend to laugh it off and think I'm joking. I've been putting up the facade of being a happy-go-lucky guy for a while now, and people don't really that take me that seriously. Do I have to do a total revamp of my character to get people to take me seriously? Only problem is that it opens me up to getting hurt again, which has been the major reason for me keeping my emotions kept away.
Do I attempt to replace this empty feeling? All I know is that if I could turn back time and stop certain things from happening, and not take things for granted, I would be a very happy person indeed.
I really need to sort this out. I'm sick of waking in the middle of the night, having the same thoughts running a marathon in my head. And is it sad, that even though it happened ages ago, I've only shed proper tears for it recently?
:(
An 18th Dress Up Party - Come as a Musical Character
Why else would I be wearing short shorts, pink stockings and eyeliner Only could mean that it was dress up party. If you were wondering what I'm dressed up as, I'm a bohemian from 'We Will Rock You!'.
It was a good night. I had a lot of fun dressing up, as I hadn't done that for awhile, and it was good to be a bit creative for once. My costumer was created in the last hour before the party. As per usual, I left it to the last minute, but I was pretty happy with the end result.
One bad thing about the night, was that I ended up in the spa, and I know some people have some photos, so slightly scared that that might come back to haunt me.
New Years Eve 07/08
Spent it with the girls, which is something I hadn't done for a couple of years. It was my first New Years since coming out to everyone that I hadn't spent it in a fag club. Kinda glad that I didn't end up there.
Started off with a quiet dinner at Becs, I baked a cake which I was quite proud of, even though the icing on it was a tad bit impromptu, but I still thought it tasted nice. Who know that something good could come out of something wrong happening. Semi impressed by my cooking abilities.
I was already drunk on the train ride there, so that was a lot of fun. A bit squished to get St Kilda on public transport, but once we got there I couldn't be happier we were there. It wasn't too packed and it was filled with some pretty cool people.
The night was full of heaps of shots and too much alcohol. With some people being kicked out and vomiting on the side of the street. Quite note, it wasn't me!
Also exciting at the promise that was made, so lets see how the next twelve months go.
They can't be any worse than the last twelve.
Things changed.
New appreciations. Less dependencies.
New goals. Different direction. More realistic.
Delay study. Welcome travel.
People missed. Deeper friendships. Missed memories. Missed emotions.
Regret decisions. No closure.
New Blog. New Name. New Layout. New Feel. New Everything.