One + 1 = Thr3e

I love my blog. I put quite a lot of effort into it. One thing I've noticed though is that I don't put a lot of emotion into my posts. They tend to be about something I've done, and then I've tried to make it funny. Very rarely have I actually done a post about my feelings, with what my thoughts are at the time. This is what I think a blog should have. I've always seen my blog as my little on-line venting room. Somewhere I can just log in to, and just type away. For some reason though, I don't think that I can do that.

The main reason why I think I don't do this is because I know people are reading it, and I don't want to tell people everything about me. Some people, who I didn't even know read it, come up and talk to me about posts that I've done. After they've gone, I then think to myself, lucky I didn't post that then, imagine what they would have thought.

I know I shouldn't think this, seeing that its my blog, and the point of it is to capture my feelings. I know I should let out my emotions somewhere, I know its not good to bottle them up inside. I don't want to discuss them with someone, seeing that I don't trust a lot of people*. I've been told too many times to go and see somebody, so that I could talk to them. I don't really think that that would help, seeing that if I can't tell my best friends, how am I going to tell a complete stranger, who is going to analyse everything I say?!?

As much as I love the privacy and the freedom, I think that living by myself is causing me to think too much. I tend to spend majority of my time just sitting and thinking, which can never be good for anyone. It makes me analyze everything I do, and it makes me break down everything I do into tiny pieces to see how they all affected what happened.

I've tried keeping a diary, to use as an outlet. That didn't work. Whenever I read over it, I would look at my handwriting and just feel disgusted in myself. My handwriting used to be great. Now, its just scribble. Constantly using computers, has made me lazy when I write. I still remember when I was at highschool, and our primary school teachers visited us for an orientation day for the next years students. My Grade Six teacher saw what I was writing, and she asked why I was writing like that. She said that my handwriting was a disgrace compared to what it used to be. I actually went back and found an old workbork from Grade Six, and she was right.

I tend to remember negative comments that people make about me. I hate receiving compliments. I don't know if its because I rarely give them, or because if I receive them I pick out the faults in them and have to disprove them. Its weird, but its one thing I can't do.

One thing I'm going to try and do is type some more deep and meaningful stuff here. Mainly with the stuff that is flying through my head at the moment. Expect it in the next couple of days. Lets see if this works...

*That wasn't meant to sound that bad, in general there are very few people that I completely trust. I don't open up to people. Its that simple. We may be best friends, but still there may be things that you don't know about me.